TLSpark

((I wrote this when I was feeling depressed over on Fimfic a while back, but everything turned out okay.  This was a pretty good bit of writing though, so I'm re-posting it here.))

Sometimes I wonder.....what happens to my friends....on the other side of the screen?

I can see their comments stacking on top of each other, each person putting a unique flare in a single box, and then hoping that someone else sees it so they, too, can make a comment.  

It's been more than a year since I began doing this same ritual over and over again....night after night.....and simply letting the screen in front of me take my mind to entirely new worlds.  I love it, most of the time, because I can do things that I'd never be able to do in real life....like give advice to some of my "Internet Friends"....or trying to get their advice on some of my work....be it writing....art....programming......or whatever else happens to catch my interest.......with their help and praise......I feel.......I feel that I can do anything......

Except some people.....can't.....

Some people, I'm sorry to say, use the internet to "Escape" from their reality......to hide behind their screens in an attempt to be appreciated......and sometimes....this works........but this is a double edged sword......since as great as the internet is to "escape".......there are those who want to bring them back into reality.....

I call them "Haters".  Most people do anyway.  These...."people"....if one can call them that........make it a point to harass and attack certain people that...they simply don't like.....sometimes they have legitimately good reasons.....but more often than not, their reasons are cold and selfish.......I know for a fact that there are a few who covet that hate......thrive on it even.....and I......can't stand that....but there's not much I can do really....except protect my friends as best as I can.

And yet, sometimes, that's not enough.  There are those out in the world who are alone.  Utterly and completely, they are alone.  This is a FACT.  I know this....because I know one......and even though we're "Friends" in this....virtual life....he is still alone.  I try to help him....but I can't.....my words, to him, are just.......words.  I've said before to some of my own friends that words are POWERFUL, but the words that are filled with hate.......even more so.....

Over the years, I've learned to deal with such comments.  I can take them harder than some people see.  I can ignore them, joke about them, even agree with them.....and just like that the words simply.....melt away.......most of the time anyway....but even if I CAN do that….others….can’t.  

I’ve seen this with my own eyes.  Hateful words, from mouths and in comments, sending perfectly good people down to the ground with tears streaking down their cheeks.  I’ll help them up  from the ground and tell them some advice, then I’ll keep an eye on them and help when I can…..but…from my side of the screen….sometimes that’s all I can do……yet most of the time, though, this works just fine.  They’ll come out stronger and wiser.  They’ll be happier for it.  In the end, that’s all I can ask………but then……there are those who I try to help……and then….it doesn’t work.  

I can’t stand it.  I love helping people, and when I see that my words don’t work, I try to help them still….over and over and over again……I help with all of my might……but then….they are gone.  Their dark thoughts and loneliness take them away.  Certain blades seem…kinder to them……and large drop offs…..a release….I’m only one guy…..one guy trying to protect one person…..on the other side of a glowing…..changing…..delicate screen…..and sometimes I’m just not enough……

Now, I have lost two friends.  Two amazing people who have simply…..vanished.  Both seemed perfectly fine one day…albeit….with shorter and shorter comments…….and then the next day….they’re gone.  Just like that.  No explanation.  No note of warning.  Nothing.  They are gone and I’m left to wonder……

Were they in pain?  Were they hiding their true feelings?  Was it….me?  I’m left to wonder if there might have been something…..anything…..I could have done……but no….there was just me….safe behind my screen…typing away like I am now on a black keyboard….trying to convey some feeling into what I am saying…..and they simply left.  

I go back to their last comments to me.  I try to read between the words, to try and catch…something…..anything……but I can’t find it……then I realize something…..they WERE in pain…..or they didn’t know it yet….or they weren’t in pain….and they vanished because……they’re gone.  Without warning, without knowing they would be…leaving….they were taken away by another or by the powers of nature itself…..and we’ll never know…unless in the unlikely event that they told us their true name……

I have lost some good friends….and I’m left to wonder…..why?